Future Versions of the iPhone

From an anonymous source inside of Apple Corp. I know these are new functions/specifications coming to future version of the iPhone:

1. You will be able to call the spirit world. (Okay, that is just plain creepy.)
2. The phone will able to translate any human language including the dead ones like Aramaic and Latin. (Hopefully, Apple will have this function at the same time of function 1. This would be good to have if you talk to really old spirits.)
3. It will be able to teleport you anywhere in the world. You just give it the GPS coords of your destination.
4. You will be able to travel back in time up to 10 years. Apple is trying to make it a 1,000 years, but they are not sure if this is possible or not. Time travelling in the future will not be possible on the iPhone. Rats! I guess Apple cannot do everything.)
5. It will be able to zap any cancer tumor.
6. It will be able to monitor your cholesterol, blood pressure, heart rate, and blood sugar level.
7. It will stop migraines and back pain within 5 seconds. (Apple says this time lag is way too long. They want to get the time down to 1 gigasecond at least.)
8. It will be able to stop tornadoes, hurricanes, and typhoons within 10 minutes! (Damn, those Apple people are geniuses! See if Microsoft tops that! Again, Apple wants to get this time lag down to 1 minute if possible.)
9. It will be able measure temperature, wind speed, humidity, and barometric pressure in a 50 feet diameter around the iPod. (Hmmm. Not sure if anyone would use these functions unless your a meteorologist. I think functions 8 and 9 will be on the meteorology version, not on the standard version. No price yet on the meteorology version.)
10. The phone will warn the user if he is going to be physically attacked by someone.
11. The phone will have a taser function on it. (I hope this function and function 10 are tied together.)
12. It can materialize any food or beverage you want within 3 seconds.
13. The iPhone will be able to operate any TV and/or radio irregardless of the manufacturer. It will be the ultimate universal remote control. It will be also to change cable and satellite channels irregardless of who the provider is.
14. It can change its color according to your mood. (Is this really necessary?) If you are really sad, it tells you a joke from its 1 million database of jokes to try to cheer you up or it will play you a happy song if you have saved one on the phone. (Again, is this really needed?)
15. In the future you can make the iPhone invisible so no-one can take it without your permission. Like if you leave it in your car.
16. Future iPhones will run on nuclear fusion that will last 10,000 years. You will be dead, but your iPhone will still be working.
17. Not only will future iPhones be water proof (you can take them to the bottom of the ocean) and shock proof (you can drop them off of Mt. Everest), but they will be bullet proof, fire proof, freeze proof, heat proof, and acid proof. They are not for some reason peanut butter proof. So, don't handle the iPhone if you are eating peanut butter.
18. It will be able to convert CO₂ to oxygen.
19. For $1,000 more you can get the deluxe version that converts lead into gold.
20. Other versions will be equipped with sonar, radar, infrared sensors, ultraviolet sensors and x-rays.
21. If you put the iPhone up to your eye, it can scan for eye diseases like glaucoma.
22. A bar code reader so you can scan store products to see if you are getting a good deal or not.