WALSH: How To Identify And Destroy Fascists

From The Daily Wire.com (July 3):

As you've heard, a group of virtuous freedom fighters took to the streets of Portland this past weekend to protest the rise of fascism in the United States. They expressed their point of view by marching and chanting and occasionally smacking someone in the face with a crowbar. Conservatives, of course, have not stopped complaining about this peaceful political demonstration. These snowflakes just love "free speech" until someone uses their free speech to fracture a skull. Typical hypocrisy from the Right.

But despite Antifa's honorable efforts to raise awareness of the fascist threat, there are still many who deny that fascism is a problem. Even worse, there are some who make the wild claim that the "real fascists" are the ones who will bludgeon you with a blunt object if they don't like your opinions. This is absurd, obviously. Antifa stands for "Anti-fascist." They literally cannot be fascist. It says "anti" right there in the name. Can you not read? What's the problem here?

No, Antifa isn't fascist. But there are fascists in this country. A lot of them, too. For those who have not been paying close attention, I will provide a guide to identifying fascists. We'll make this very simple.

1. Everyone who disagrees with me is fascist.

I am progressive and enlightened. I went to college. I read a book every year. I listen to informative podcasts. My views on all things are objectively correct. Truth is relative, of course, but my truth is far truthier than the average schlub's truth. To deny my truth — which, again, is a very true truth — is an act of fascism.

2. Everyone who fails to sufficiently value tolerance and open-mindedness is fascist.

The most important thing in life is to be tolerant and accepting. Intolerant people deserve to be beaten to death with a bicycle chain. [read more]

The rest of satire’s guide is:

3. All racists are fascist.
4. All religious people are fascist. Except Muslims.
5. All sexists and transphobes and homophobes are fascist.